Nervous wreck

I spent most of today just finishing the laundry and concentrating on the boys since I'll be in the hospital for the rest of the week.  Ewan is so excited about the baby that he's incredibly hyper, which is totally cute.  Fynn of course really has no clue what's about to happen, although I've tried to give him some idea about a baby in my belly coming out.  We'll see.  So today we just played outside, did puzzles, watched movies and napped.  It's been a good day.

Except ever since I woke up this afternoon from our nap, I am so incredibly nervous that I'm sick to my stomach.  There's an off-color expression for how nervous I am, one my dad says frequently and one that I'm sure at least some of you have heard, but I won't say it just because many of you are also Mormon, and I don't know what your threshold is for offense.  Let's just say it involves women of the night and church pews.  I don't remember being even close to this nervous when I went in for my C-section with Fynn, but maybe I've forgotten.  And while part of it is thinking of what could go wrong, most of it is this weird thought that nothing is going to be right.  And I know it's just nerves, but it's still scary.  I just can't imagine actually holding the baby and having him be here.  Can't imagine it to the point where it feels like it won't happen.  Part of it may be that I've heard way too many stories recently of stillborn babies.  All afternoon I've been freaking out if I don't feel him move for a certain amount of time.  I know, I sound crazy, and I don't know what sparked it.  I just wish it would go away.

At any rate, we're getting things prepared here.  I packed the boys' t-shirts that Sarah and Ashley made that say "Big Brother" on them for them to wear when they go to the hospital tomorrow afternoon.  They'll be so cute.  If I could shake this melancholy panicky feeling, I'd be able to say that I can't freakin' wait!  I'll have Bryce post some pictures as soon as possible tomorrow.